You’re Your Problem
A traveler came upon an old farmer working in his field beside the road. Eager to rest his feet, the wanderer hailed the countryman.
“What sort of people live in the next town?” asked the stranger.
“What were the people like where you’ve come from?” replied the farmer, answering the question with another question.
“They were a bad lot. Troublemakers all, and lazy too. The most selfish people in the world, and not a one of them to be trusted. I’m happy to be leaving the scoundrels.”
“Is that so?” replied the old farmer. “Well, I’m afraid that you’ll find the same sort in the next town.
Disappointed, the traveler trudged on his way, and the farmer returned to his work.
Some time later another stranger, coming from the same direction, hailed the farmer, and they stopped to talk. “What sort of people live in the next town?” he asked.
“What were the people like where you’ve come from?” replied the farmer once again.
“They were the best people in the world. Hardworking, honest, and friendly. I’m sorry to be leaving them.”
“Fear not,” said the farmer. “You’ll find the same sort in the next town.”
I love this little fable titled, “The Two Travelers and the Farmer”. As nice of a little story as it is, it would be pointless if you missed its moral. Did you get it?
Well how about this: Do you know anyone who seems to go from job to job because “everyone at the last place was wrong”. Or how about the person who is constantly convinced that the world is against him/her? While it is true that there are real abrasive people in existence, and that injustices occur in society and evil is real, those are all external factors and all to easy excuses to minimize our own shortcomings.
Truth is, our biggest obstacle in life is not another person, or society, or the government, or hardships. The real obstacle in our way is ourselves. Indecision, self-doubt, lack of confidence or motivation are all byproducts of our inner villain. You see, while we may not be able to control how people treat us, we can control how we respond to mistreatment. Carry a grudge and let it define you, or shrug it off and move on. We all have that choice. Being offended in today’s society seems to be more contagious than any virus. Some people looove to feel offended because it makes them feel important. When your only tool is a hammer, suddenly every problem starts to look like a nail. And when the only time you feel relevant is when you claim to be offended, suddenly everything looks offensive. These people who seem to find offense multiple times a day are not battling other people, but battling their own mindset. If you view yourself as inferior, if you view yourself as less worthy, if you feel yourself as a victim… you will be, every time.
Similar to our two travelers in our fable, your mindset determines your worldview. The town did not change in between the visit of the two travelers. What was different was the mindsets of the travelers. The first has what modern psychology experts have defined as the “victim mentality“. It is a maladaptive mental safety net, a crutch, an excuse. Victim mentality is a psychological term that refers to a type of dysfunctional mindset which seeks to feel persecuted in order to gain attention or avoid self-responsibility. People who struggle with the victim mentality are convinced that life is not only beyond their control, but is out to deliberately hurt them. This belief results in constant blame, finger-pointing, and pity parties that are fueled by pessimism, fear, and anger.
This is why we have to take account and inventory of every negative thought impulse that comes into our mind. Psychologist have described our subconscious mind as a fertile garden. That garden does not care what you plant. Whatever you plant and nurture, it will grow. Persistent negative thoughts about self will lead to a pessimistic worldview. Studies out of criminal psychology have made this very clear with the following foundational observation:
“Those who are exposed to violence for the first time abhor it. Those who continue to repetitively view and experience violence, soon tolerate and accept it as the norm. And finally, those who accept and tolerate it eventually become influenced by it”.
And so it is with every negative and self-destructive thought that enters our subconscious. When we allow these negative mental weeds to repeat, to fester and grow, we will not only accept them as truth, but we become influenced by them. What results next is that we become our own worst enemy.
Easier said than done, right? Not really. All it takes is self-awareness, self motivation, and the desire to change. I have personal experience with this. For over 20 years I suffered with depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. Frustrated and exhausted, I took it on myself to auto-excise my negative way of thinking. From self learned cognitive behavioral therapy, and lessons learned from my psychology/psychiatry medical school rotations, I beat my own inner mental demons. It is a daily commitment to push back the enemy within. But I can tell you, my mental garden is much more beautiful after pruning back the negative weeds. Self-introspection and self-correction works.
I am no longer my own worst enemy. So, I invite you on this journey. Trust me, its better over here on the other side.
